"I don't belong here" - A Practical Examination of Suicidal Ideation

Trigger warning: this article is about suicidal ideation. If you are in danger, please call 911, or go to the ER. If you are not in danger and need someone to talk to, call 988. The people who answer these calls are kind and qualified. This article is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for professional care. 

The contents below are an amalgamation of personal and professional experience. I, too, very much know what it feels like to not want to be here, often despite and even because of the evidence to the contrary that I also know to be true: that I otherwise have a good life, lots to be grateful for, people who love me, and so on. Knowing all that, and still feeling the intensity of hopelessness, is part of the cocktail of depressive shame that becomes its own justification.

(As an aside: this is a FREE article. I also provide paid access articles that are not necessarily "better" or "longer" but that some people choose to read not only for the beneficial content, but to also support independent artists doing original work with the intent to make the world a better place. For a small fee of your choosing, you can support this work in that way, here.)

I come to this particular article as a wounded healer of sorts and hope to offer what I have learned the hard way to make it easier for others. I know firsthand that the intellectual explanations I will put forth here are not always easy to embody, and most definitely are not coming from a place of minimizing, denying, avoiding, or gaslighting the magnitude and/or specifics of anyone's journey with "depression." 

All The Reasons Why

The biggest mistake people make is in trying to figure out and fix "all the reasons why" one may come to "be depressed." 

The reasons, which are stories about the past or the projected/predicted future (whether "valid" and "true", or not), are secondary to the state of being that gives rise to the energetic sensations that we then assign a meaning, story, and identity to as being "the cause."

When, for whatever reason, our nervous system gets stuck in "freeze" of the survival mode's "fight, flight, freeze" reaction, our thoughts and emotions generate energetic sensations that tend to inspire thoughts and feelings that amount to the self-sealing bubble we call "depression."  

We think, "It's hopeless," and then we feel numb, dazed, dull, and void. Because the feeling matches the thought, we think, "That's it, it must be true."

Why? "Because I feel it."

Then we investigate further, "Why do I feel this way?" and we think, "Because I'm a worthless piece of shit," and that intensifies the feeling, so now we think that we really have it figured out. We think we've arrived at the irrefutable truth: I'm worthless and life is hopeless.  Because I think it, I feel it, and the more I think and feel it, the more intense it gets. And we mistake intensity for truth. 

At this point, there is a "real" effect even if the stories are imaginary, or at least aren't about what's actually happening NOW. Our heart rate drops, our skin goes pale, we feel tired but perhaps wired, our posture collapses, we feel heavy and dull, and a sense of bitter resignation dominates our mindscape.

Everything feels hopeless, distant, and numb, so...  "What's the point?" 

We don't care, and we don't care that we don't care. This is the cold hell of apathy.

But here's the thing, it's not nearly as personal as it truly feels. Everyone in "freeze" (who is not practiced at recognizing what's going on and deliberately detaching from the stories, explanations, and reasons) thinks these types of thoughts and feels these types of feelings. In our current cultural conditioning, the stories, "I am not enough, this is hopeless, I am helpless, I am damaged goods, it will never get better, it's all too much," are the types of things people tell themselves to explain the universal neurochemical state of being "frozen." 

What do I mean by "current cultural conditioning?" 

When the Dalai Lama first started coming to the United States, he spoke very little English and relied entirely on translators. If you know a little about the Dalai Lama and his entourage, these are very, very sharp people. The cream of the crop, where they come from, with the very best education, the most astute levels of awareness, the highest degrees of emotional intelligence, and lives totally dedicated to compassion and service.

So, when an audience member asked the Dalai Lama what to do about "self-hatred," it might be surprising for us that they were all completely stumped. Not only did the Dalai Lama, arguably one of the wisest people in the world, not have an answer for her, but his entire team of translators didn't even have a word or concept to explain her experience. The notion of not liking oneself didn't even EXIST in their cultural conditioning. 

When, after about 20 minutes of talking among themselves earnestly with great curiosity, they finally came to a consensus of what she might be asking about, and the Dalai Lama's poignant response, when it dawned on him what she meant, was to cry. 

The point here is not to idealize Tibetan people or culture. They have their own set of cultural conditioning, and probably now, with globalization, have people who know what it's like to feel worthless. But my point is this: without that cultural condition programmed into our meaning-making machines, it would be impossible to assign this type of meaning and attach this type of identity to the "freeze" response. The thoughts, "I am worthless and life is hopeless," are stories based on beliefs, not truths. But these stories can and do most definitely have a very intense impact on our experience, because they will generate neurochemicals and sensations the same way you can feel all the feelings in a good movie that you know is "just a movie."

The Grace and Ease Question

Following the Grace and Ease Question is the most effective way to circumvent the part of our brain that gets triggered when we make an effort to change for the better, resulting in us defaulting back to who we were, in the pattern we know as "self-sabotage." 

And, the Grace and Ease Question is also the most effective way to move forward when one is frozen because it works even when there seems to be "no motivation" to do what we think we should or ought to do. When one consistently keeps asking and following the Grace and Ease Question, motivation grows organically, and we discover that we can feel better, today, easily, without any gimmicks, in a totally sustainable way that makes perfect sense. 

Again, I break this down and explain all the nuances in my book, and the semantics of the question and its exegesis are really powerful because the way we use words, stories, beliefs, and identities is extremely important for better and for worse (as in the cultural belief-stories we tell ourselves about feeling frozen). But for now, I will have to leave you with the question for you to explore yourself. 

"What is the next, easiest thing I am willing to do, right now, to move in the direction I value and choose?" 

The most important and common-to-not-follow suggestion is to reiterate: make it EASY, make it TINY.

Especially if you are "depressed." Do not "should" yourself. Start exactly where you are. If you are stuck in bed, and you "know", intellectually, that taking a shower will feel good and get you going, do NOT force yourself to take a shower.

Ask the question and listen inside. If "I should take a shower" comes up, don't do it. Ask again, and discover what you are genuinely willing to do. Example, "I think I should take a shower, but I am not really genuinely willing, so what am I willing to do?"

"Nothing. I am willing to do nothing."

Perfect, DO NOTHING, but do nothing as a choice, willingly. Now, ask again, and keep doing ONLY what you are willing to do. Find out for yourself - if you follow this question's wisdom, it works like magic...  Soon you will be willing to stretch, to take a deep breath, to put your feet off the side of the bed, to stand up and yawn and stretch some more, to sit back down and rub your face, to stand up again and start walking, to go pee, to go the sink and splash water on your face, to turn on the shower, to brush your teeth, to get into the shower!

Trust me, it works, if you work it! And it doesn't have to be hard. Make it easy. 

Love to ALL,
Together we thrive,
Michael