Trigger warning: this article is about suicidal ideation. If you are in danger, please call 911, 988, or go to the ER. This article is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for professional care.
The contents below are an amalgamation of personal and professional experience. I, too, very much know what it feels like to not want to be here, often despite and even because of the evidence to the contrary that I know to be true: that I otherwise have a good life, lots to be grateful for, people who love me, and so on. Knowing all that, and still feeling the intensity of hopelessness, is part of the cocktail of shame that becomes its own justification.
(As an aside: this is a FREE article. I also have paid access articles that are not, transparently "better" or "longer" but that some people choose to access not only for the beneficial content, but to support independent artists doing original work with the intent to make the world a better place. For a small fee of your choosing, you can support this work in that way, here. )
So, I come to this article as a wounded healer of sorts, and hope to offer what I have learned the hard way in order to make it easier for others. I therefore know firsthand that the intellectual explanations I will put forth here are not always easy to embody, and most definitely are not coming from a place of minimizing, denying, avoiding, or gaslighting the magnitude and/or specifics of anyone's journey with depression.
The biggest mistake people make is in trying to figure out and fix "all the reasons why" one may come to "be depressed."
The reasons, which are stories about the past or the projected/predicted future, whether "valid" and "true" or not, are secondary to the state of being that gives rise to the energetic sensations that we then assign a meaning, story, and identity to as being "the cause" of the energetic sensations.
When, for whatever reason, our nervous system gets stuck in "freeze" of the survival mode's "fight, flight, freeze" reaction, our thoughts and emotions generate sensations that amount to a self-sealing bubble.
We think, "It's hopeless," and we feel numb, dazed, dull, and void and because the feeling mattches the thought, we think, "that's it, it must be true." Why? "Because, I feel it." Then we investigate further, "Why do I feel this way?" and we think, "Because I'm a worthless piece of shit," and that intensifies the feeling, so now we think we really have it figured out. I'm arrived at the irrefutable truth: I'm worthless and life is hopeless.
At this point, our heart drops, our skin goes pale, we feel tired, but perhaps wired, our posture collapses, we feel heavy and dull, and a sense of bitter resignation dominates our mindscape.
We don't care, and we don't care that we don't care. This is the cold hell of apathy.
But here's the thing, it's not nearly as personal as it truly feels. Everyone whose brain is in Survival Mode: freeze, thinks these types of thoughts and feels these types of feelings. These are the types of stories human beings with our current types of cultural conditioning tell themselves to explain the universal neurochemical state of being "frozen."
What do I mean by "current cultural conditioning?"
When the Dalai Lama first started coming to the United States, he spoke very little English and relied entirely on translators. If you know a little about the Dalai Lama and his entourage, these are very, very sharp people. The cream of the crop, where they come from, with the very best education, the most astute levels of awareness, and the highest degrees of emotional intelligence.
So, when an audience member asked the Dalai Lama what to do about "self-hatred," it might be surprising for us that they were all completely stumped. Not only did the Dalai Lama, arguably one of the wisest people in the world, not have an answer for her, but his entire team of translators didn't even have a word or concept to explain her experience. The notion of not liking oneself didn't even EXIST in their cultural conditioning.
When, after about 20 minutes of talking among themselves earnestly with great curiosity, they finally came to a consensus of what she might be asking about, and the Dalai Lama's poignant response, when it dawned on him what she meant, was to cry.
The point here is not to idealize Tibetan people or culture. They have their own set of cultural conditioning, and probably now, with globalization, have people who know what it's like to feel worthless. But my point is this: without that cultural condition programmed into the meaning-making machine, it would be impossible to assign this type of meaning and attach this type of identity to the "freeze" response.
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The IRONY of the "FREEZE" State and the Stories we Typically Tell Ourselves..
... about the way we feel when we've been stuck in this state is that even though we feel like we want to die, it's actually a SURVIVAL mode state. The neurochemicals that illicit these types of thoughts and feelings are actually part of our body's inherent mercy and drive to survive.
These are the chemicals that flood our body if we are about to be mauled by a tiger, so we go numb so that we don't feel pain (mercy), and we "play dead" as a way to divert the predator (survival) who doesn't want to eat spoiled meat.
As humans, we share, but add to, the same brain structures as other mammals and reptiles. The part of our brain that is activated when we are in Survival Mode is in the mammalian/reptilian part of the brain. This is the part of our brain that is the same as a field mouse that senses a hawk overhead. Programmed into the mouse's DNA is the knowledge that the hawk only sees motion, so to become totally still, "frozen" ("scared stiff"), is to become INVISIBLE.
This is why people who are depressed or who have PTSD often feel "de-realization", distant, dissociated, numb, or like they are not really here.
Understanding all that, what can we actually do about it?
(None of the following are substitutes for the necessity of professional support if one is clinically depressed or experiencing suicidal thoughts)
The crux of what I call "Embodied Aliveness Trauma Transformation" (EATT) is the ability to metabolize difficult experience such that it becomes fuel for thriving and healing. The first step to EATT is the ongoing cultivation of Extra and Open Attention. You can sign up here for FREE access to a brief PDF guide and ten, 10-minute, guided meditations.
The next step is to reset the nervous system from Surviving to Thriving to create the conditions necessary for healing to happen naturally. And if you are curious about having 1-1 guidance through this process, you can learn more and/or apply here.
But regardless, I want to share with you a way of working through this and any other challenge you are facing that has literally saved my life. This one question is so important that I dedicated an entire chapter to it, and it is a consistent theme in my book, "How to Find Joy Even If You Have a Hole In Your Bucket."
The Grace and Ease Question
Following the Grace and Ease Question is the most effective way to circumvent the part of our brain that gets triggered when we make an effort to change for the better and that results in us defaulting back to who we were, in the pattern we know as "self-sabotage."
But, it is also the only effective way to move forward when one is frozen because it is so gentle and works even when there seems to be "no motivation" to do what we think we should or ought to do.
